My father died just before Christmas in 1988 and my mother just after the New Year in 1997. I was able to get through those holidays ok except for having depression for three years after my mom's demise. For what ever reason this past Christmas I struggled with the loss of David.
I found myself crying more, feeling more sorrowful. Feeling lost overall. Is this a delayed reaction? I have never gone through the 5 phases of grief. Why get mad? What is there to get mad at? God? What does He have to do with it? We knew that Dave was on borrowed time, that he could go at any time. Denial? I knew he was gone before everyone around me did. When you see him on the ground but feel him next to you, you just know. Anger? The only thing I was angry about was about Dave not being more proactive about his health and questioning his Doctors more. Bargaining? Not once have I bargained with God. Just wished to have told him how much I loved him one more time. Depression, Yes I am struggling with depression. Not all of it is David. I have a back issue that is depressing. Some days are just hard to get through. On top of everything my one daughter's God-child died un-expectantly and since then it has put me into a tail-spin and I just lost a dear friend of mine of 13 years and my other daughter's soccer coach was senselessly murdered. Yeah a lot to go through in six months. Acceptance, I have accepted that Dave has died and I must hold the family together but it is damn hard.
I once again find the house rebelling. I had to have a new furnace installed to the tune of $3800.00.
After Dave passed away everything seemed to break down. I thought having the outdoor Christmas lights put up over the holidays would improve my mood. Not really. Although taking some Vitamin D3 did help some.
With family so far away and no close friends here, it really puts a damper on things for wanting to get out and do anything. My one close and true friend died 23 years ago and I have never been able to find another friend that I could be that close to. Even after 23 years I miss her every day. I envy people who have many close friends (sisters so to speak). Every time I try to get close to someone they leave. Why try? I do have one friend I can call on for help when needed and I really do appreciate him and his family and all the help they have helped me with these past couple of years. I also have one of the families of the former Fury team that has helped me with a problem that I had with the guttering on my house and for that I am truly grateful. I have a neighbor across the street that keeps an eye out on me, has since Dave passed away. But a close friend, nope, nada. Unless I initiate the call no one calls me.
Don't get me wrong, I have friends, but that soul friend, the one you can tell your secrets to...that friend.
My motorhome, my safe haven, ended up in the shop longer than expected and is now having to have transmission work done. Not what I wanted to hear. It never ends.
Spring is around the corner and with that campouts with my WIT club. That makes me feel good. What is it about winter that just puts a big damper on things?
What is it about loss that just makes life suck?
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